I love to snuggle, and dance on bars.
“But motherhood can’t be the primary source of our identity.” Ruth Schwenk, Pressing Pause, p 23
I have officially birthed three children at the hardest, least-ideal times of my life. (and despite the challenge, would NOT change that for a second!!) However, that doesn't mean it did not/does not come with lots of difficulties. With my oldest two, I was in my early 20s, married, totally planned- but young, naive and beautifully ignorant. As my friends were renting shore houses, raging the bars and shopping on a saturday afternoon I was sleepless, emotional, humming the tune to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse in my sleep. Feed, play, change…rinse and repeat. I devoted every second to being a Mom and although it was a blessing, it wore me down. I was a Mom signing up for music classes, pee wee soccer, making homemade food and doing laundry. My social life became family parties and maybe a sprinkle of a friend that popped in between happy hours and the shore. Emotionally, I was between pure baby bliss and extreme jealousy for no responsibility and waking up on a couch in jeans to then nap in the middle of the day. Fast forward 10+ years, I am now in my late 30’s and it is time to do it again! Most friends are over the hump of needing babysitters, strollers are put away and the social life from a decade ago is now circling back (in a more mature mom-rage kind of way). Happy hours are now wineries and shore rentals are family-owned beach homes where the kids play independently while the parents sip on fancy cocktails. I had a short window of this older Mom life post divorce; and now I am back in baby phase, take two, and I am still pushing a stroller solo!
This time though, I knew it would be different. Age brings wisdom (and more money, weeded out friendships and better husbands..hehe). With this, I knew I was about to Mom hard core again to a new baby but not lose myself this time. I realized being a Mom is so important equally to being ME. This time around I knew I had to create boundaries for myself because in knowing the severity of being both mom and adult, everyone would benefit. It is not just about needing a solo shower or time to go on a run and clear your head (all very important!); but also about reaching goals, maintaining relationships/friendships, using your brain in a non-maternal way, being the person you were before you had kids. Becoming a mom (for the first time again) has definitely changed things because that is just the reality of the situation, but finding the joy and the time to maintain your inner self is the key to balancing new beginnings.
I can equally want to stare into my baby’s blue eyes and shake a rattle as I can rip a shot, dance on the bar and steal the microphone to pretend I have no cares in the world. I equally want to coach lacrosse, help with homework, bake cookies and decorate for Christmas as I want to sample 10 different bottles of wine with girlfriends and have a weekend away with my husband where my boobs aren't just for nutritional purposes.
I am a mom, but also (me): a nurse, a workout lover, a wine lover, a loud noise, silly night side-kick kind of friend. I realized I do not have to feel guilty when I choose to hang up my mom hat periodically, or even daily, for an hour to regroup. Find a man that supports this. Supports you. I can not begin to explain the difference it is when you realize (and are supported by) it is 100% OK to snuggle that baby, have a catch with your teens, and dance on the bar!